The Real Toilet Paper Wars

I am a big fan of indoor plumbing.  I am NOT a fan of indoor plunging.  There is nothing more gag-producing than jamming a wood-and-rubber plunger into a poo filled toilet and slurping it up and down to unclog a septic system.  Especially if the poo in question is not your own.  Seriously, people.  Did you not notice the floaters when you left the room?

I find myself plunging a higher than average number of toilets.  I am convinced that it is because of the number of people in my orbit (work, home) who insist on fluffy toilet paper which swells and sticks and clogs it all up.  My husband insists that the toilets in our house clog so often because none of us know how to flush a toilet properly.  (Seriously?  Is there a WRONG way?  He says there is.  He says you have to hold the handle down.  I say that’s a recipe for toilet water flooding all over your feet.  It’s bad enough when the plunger kicks up some drops that land on my shoes and shins in a cloud of stink that follows me the rest of the day.  Besides, holding the handle down DOES.  NOT.  WORK.)

This dilemma has resulted in passionate arguments in the office.  When I buy the TP, I buy the large rolls of cheap, thin toilet paper.  Apparently this offends the nether regions of the people I work with.  I mean, I get that the stuff isn’t soft like puppy fur, but for the 20 seconds a day that it comes into contact with your parts it will do.  It isn’t sandpaper, for crying out loud.  It doesn’t scrape away sensitive skin or cause injury.  It merely does not caress.   I do not need microfiber toilet paper.  I need something that has a little friction so it will successfully clean away all the waste I’d rather not take with me when I leave the ladies’ room. 

So this morning, at a work related breakfast thingie, when I found myself sitting across from my friend Renee Park, I had to ask her a question.  Renee, in case you didn’t know, is the Queen of Plumbing where I live.  She and her husband own and operate TAPP Plumbing.  “Renee,” I said.  “I need you to resolve an argument.  Does fluffy toilet paper clog the toilet worse than the other kind?”

“Yes!” She said with way more enthusiasm you’d expect anyone to be able to muster over such a topic.  “That stuff is like concrete!  It doesn’t matter if you use 20 times as much of the other stuff, it will break apart.  The fluffy stuff will be there forever.” 

“Can I record you saying that?” I asked, sure my husband and coworkers would not believe me if I merely relayed her opinion.

Renee was game, and gave me permission to post that video here:



So, you do what you want to do.  I’ve got my answer from an expert. 

FYI, she had no firm opinion on the over/under of the roll on the holder. 


If you enjoyed this and want to read more like it, visit Lori at her website, , on Twitter, or on Facebook. Lori is the Readers Favorite and eLit award winner for her latest release, “You Know I Love You Because You’re Still Alive.”  She is also the author of the bestselling books “Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza,” and “The Armadillo, the Pickaxe, and the Laundry Basket.


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