Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say

Monica Piper (right) and a Fangirl (me)

For years now, I’ve been writing these columns and you’ve been hearing a lot of things I’ve had to say.  I am not sure I will ever run out of rants.  My opinions have changed over time as my horizons have expanded and my viewpoints have matured.  I’ve found myself saying some things that I never would have guessed I’d say when I was younger.  But there are some things I’m certain I will never say.  Ever.  Here’s a list of a few of them:

  • I’m not the least bit sleepy.
  • The last thing on this Earth that I want is a Nutter Butter.
  • I prefer the unsalted Saltines.
  • The pants with the restrictive waistbands are way more comfortable.
  • My favorite part of pet ownership is cleaning up the poop.
  • The cheaper the tequila, the milder the hangover.
  • Nothing is as rewarding as parenting teenagers.
  • I peaked at age 13.
  • Nothing gets me more excited than wiry grey ear hairs on a man. Except maybe wiry grey ear hairs on a woman.
  • The older I get, the faster my metabolism.
  • Kids? Naw. They don’t cost any extra money.  After all, you’re still only making one mortgage payment and paying one electric bill.
  • Punctuation and spelling are irrelevant.
  • Music is best when it is ear-bleedingly loud and the lyrics are incomprehensible.
  • Retire? Never!  I want to work until I die.
  • Nothing says, “Welcome home, Mom!” like a sink full of dishes.
  • Hot Krispy Kreme donuts taste like rat poison.
  • I don’t even get going until after midnight.
  • Nothing makes me more comfortable than when perfect strangers hug me.
  • Books are for suckers.  People who are well read never seem to know what they are talking about.

What are some things that will never come out of your mouth?  Tell me in the comments below!

This post owes a debt of gratitude to Emmy Award winning comedy writer Monica Piper who I had the great pleasure of meeting at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop this past April in Dayton, OH, who suggested that not only was “things you’ll never hear me say” a great comedy writers’ block-breaker, but also a great way to get at your own truth.

If you enjoyed this and want to read more like it, visit Lori at her website, , on Twitter, or on Facebook. Lori is a New Apple, Readers’ Favorite, and eLit award winner for her latest release, “You Know I Love You Because You’re Still Alive.”  She is also the author of the bestselling books “Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza,” and “The Armadillo, the Pickaxe, and the Laundry Basket.

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